THANKS AND, NO THANKS

The heavy chain of ingratitude or criticalness is light until we discover we cannot break it off ourselves. Unthankfulness is one of the worst life sentences I can imagine. One time my wife challenged me when she asked, “How is that you can be so patient and creative with the people you see in counseling but when it comes to our daughter’s bedroom…?” Busted. If you are like me, there must be times when you think that life is just plain difficult. God inspired the apostle Paul to predict today's rampant global attitude of unthankfulness and actually warned us by saying: "...in these last days people will be lovers of themselves . . . unthankful, unholy" (2 Tim. 3.1,2).

You may be saying, “You do not know my life”. Read carefully. Research shows that people who are described by others as either positive or thankful: have lower blood pressure, lose weight faster (than angry people), record less episodes of prolonged stress, live longer, are more attractive candidates in lasting relationships, run a lower risk of clinical depression, phobias, eating disorders and other addictive behaviors. One researcher I read said, “An expression of any feeling is amplified. When you express anger, you get angrier; when you express gratitude, you become more grateful." I have noticed that truly thankful people focus on what they have and not what they do not have, admit they have more than they deserve, are quick to accept reality as it comes their way and seemingly gauge their happiness by experiences, memories, people and non tangibles rather than on money or the world’s symbols of success.

TODAY, thank someone for something specific that they have done for you. If you can thank the person (if the person is deceased, write a letter), do so-- in person. When you thank them, acknowledge the effort it took for them by saying, “I know you had to do___for this to happen and I see this as a sacrifice on your part.” And finally, let the person know the difference their act of kindness personally meant to you. You can do this by saying something like, “I want you to know that because you did, ____, I can now _____”. Living thankfully is a choice so today, choose a new way to start and end your day. You can do it!! Yes, you can.

LOVE AND CHOCOLATE, DAY TWO

Your brain is a “pharmacy” that when triggered, dispenses a variety of chemicals. One writer said love’s passion does not find its moorings in the habitat of the heart but rather in the chemistry of the brain. We know the brain releases the chemical, Phenylethylamine (PEA). PEA is very similar to a second brain stored “feel good” chemical called, dopamine. A third chemical found in the brain is oxytocin, also called, the ‘cuddling chemical’. Oxytocin stirs feelings of safety and desire and thereby creates a mutual desire in men and women to be more sensitive to one another. Women need to know that oxytocin stimulates women while at the same time, puts men to sleep (Ha!). Scientists have established that chocolate can affect the chemical reactions already taking place in our brains. Chocolate contains PEO which is known to stimulate the release of dopamine. It is well established that chocolate has the ability to excite our pleasure centers and create feelings of euphoria. Despite all of this data, chocolate will probably not make a woman or a man fall in love but it will definitely place a person in someone’s good standing.

Rutgers’s anthropologist, Helen Fisher, further establishes the above idea, “the brain makes and releases the euphoric feelings of love and passion”. Fisher’s findings revealed that the brain is stimulated by romantic love in the same way a person craves chocolate. Although early characteristics of romantic love (increased heart rate, anxiety, fantasy) don't last forever these same qualities reconfigure themselves as people age. Fisher said she has interviewed 8-year-old boys who could perfectly describe intense passion for 8-year-old girls just as readily as couples in their 70s and 80s also claim to be madly in love. When asked if placing love under a microscope sterilizes the mystery of romance Fisher said, “Imagine that you know every ingredient in a piece of chocolate cake. And, when you sit down and eat that chocolate cake, it's still wonderful. Similarly, you can know all the ingredients of romantic love and still feel that passion." Bottom line, any runaway brain chemical reaction can override the most logical of minds-- you have just been given one explanation as to why “One Night Stands” take place. Mark Goulston, M.D, professor of psychiatry at the University of California said, “Chemically based relationships is all about the person, the experience, the thrill, the NOW and for this reason, are nearly always short lived.”

LOVE AND CHOCOLATE

This will be day one of “Love and Chocolate”. I had way too much fun researching and writing on this one thus, two days. Let’s begin with some quotes (only a few of my favorites):

If it ain't chocolate, it ain't breakfast!

I only do chocolate if I am alone or with someone (Bill’s quote).

Seen on a tee shirt ~ EMERGENCY ALERT: If wearer of this shirt is found vacant, listless, or depressed, ADMINISTER CHOCOLATE IMMEDIATELY.

Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man.

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.

For those of you trying to defend your addiction, err….‘like for chocolate’, you can be encouraged with the scientific fact that chocolate is healthy for you. Research shows that chocolate is high in antioxidants; has high amounts of an amino acid which produces serotonin (a natural anti-depressant) and, some believe chocolate increases the brain’s ability to store facts (great pre exam strategy!). We also know that dark chocolate can decrease high blood pressure and improve bouts with chronic fatigue syndrome. As far as chocolate and gender go, chocolate is the number one food group for women worldwide and second only to pizza among men. As far as Americans and chocolate go, a BIG, “HA!” on this one, the average American consumes an average of ______ pounds a year (read to the end for the answer).

I close out day one of “Love and Chocolate” with a ‘practical connection’ to chocolate, really! My research showed me that our emotions can actually be changed, chemically, with the additive of chocolate. If this is the case what are you lacking in your life, what additive do you need to consider, to give yourself a renewed sense of direction? NO! I am not advocating you go out and down your yearly allotment of chocolate in one sitting. I am asking, “What healthy, spiritual or neglected additive do you need to place in your life that may make you feel better?” This could be anything. Your anything could be going for a walk or doing that one thing you have been wanting to do but have not just got around to. Be looking for Day Two, “Love and Chocolate”. Now the answer to Americans and chocolate consumption: the average American consumes nearly 12 pounds of chocolate a year. I always knew I was not average!!

DON'T LOOK BACK

"The angels said to Lot and his wife, ‘Flee for your life, do not look back or stop anywhere in the valley or you will be consumed!’ (Gen. 19.17)… but Lot’s wife, who was behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." This story, told about 1900 years before the birth of Christ, seems so farfetched yet first century historian, Josephus, wrote that he had observed it too. He wrote: “Lot’s wife looked back, and she was turned into a pillar of salt. I have seen it with my own eyes, and it remains to this day.” (The Antiquities, 1-11-4).

The Bible records that Lot's wife was at some distance behind him (which I find interesting) and she did the unthinkable, she disobeyed. Even though she had been warned, as Eve also in the Garden of Eden, she looked back…and she was gone forever. I would offer three dangers that people expose themselves to when they ‘look back’. In looking back people tend to romanticize the past, that is to say, the past was so much better than it was. Second, people can catastrophize the past and make the past worse than it ever was (I hear this frequently in divorce scenarios). Third, people sensationalize the past and talk about their history in a way that is nowhere close to reality (I hear people talk about their church’s history in this manner). I am reminded of something Churchill once wrote, "We shape our dwellings and afterwards, they shape us." Jesus only makes passing reference to this story when he says, “Remember Lot’s wife” (Luke 17.32). Jesus uses this story as a reminder that his second coming will come as quickly as the judgment which came on Lot’s wife. Lot’s wife represents anyone who is fascinated by and wedded to the way things used to be or, who are more than certain that their way is the right and only way.

Paul understood how easy it is for anyone to look back, for whatever reason. To the Philippians he wrote, “… This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus”(Phil. 3:13,14). The answer to this common life reality Paul councils, “I cast down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10.5). Final thoughts, it is easy to look back—don’t beat yourself up if you do this from time to time. Second, there is a time for reflecting, especially over a serious matter but these times should not be done alone but with a trusted friend and, be given a specific concluding time line. And third, I have been helped by something Bill Johnson once said, “When your memories outnumber your dreams you are beginning to die.”

MEN: CELEBRATE WOMEN!

TRUTH TIME: If most men were honest with themselves they would have to admit that relating to women, freely, does not come easy. If you are a man reading this post, and have a ‘female’ challenge before you, here are four ideas to help you. EXPLORE what you believe about women. (Many men never stop to think about what they actually think about women.). From the Genesis account it is clear that God placed an equal role for both men and women to perform. Adam and Eve were each given an equal share in ‘taking dominion’ or ‘bringing order’ to the land that was placed before them (Gen. 1.28). If men are to have less stressed relationships with women (as compared to stressFULL) it will begin by relating to a woman as an equal.

If you HAVE BEEN a man who has had an unhealthy view of women EARN the respect of the women around you by changing your behavior and attitudes about women. I am not talking about lip service, patronizing or convenience-based behaviors. I am talking about a serious makeover. If you need help with this, go to a man you respect (and that women respect) and get the help you need. If YOU ARE a man who is discovering that your understanding of women has been less than fair, just or admirable EXPRESS to the woman closest to you your sincere apology for your ‘gender bias’ and ask for forgiveness for your previous bigoted, unkind and narrow-minded mindset.

If you WANT TO BE a man that women are attracted to, desirous of, seek out, respect, ask opinions from, want to be a friend with or possibly, one day marry…EMPOWER the women in your life; actively give women sincere appreciation and recognition. A second way of empowering women is to be respectful of women (loose your sexist or chauvinistic humor). A third way to empower women (whereby women feel safe around you) is to publically treat women as equals, in front of other men. A final way to encourage women is, learn how to cook! (Women love men who cook!! I am serious on this one.)

Final thought men. Many women today have 'male issues' because of how they have been treated by men (not to mention by their fathers). Guys, you must know this. The depth of this pain sorrows Father God. It is time for men to remember the words of the Apostle Paul when he wrote, "there is no longer a dividing line between men and women"....so men, what are we waiting for?

THE INVISIBLE SILENT GOD

There is a book in the Bible (there is actually more than one!) that does not specifically mention God. The book of Esther is a story of a young Jewish girl who was adopted and cared for by a man named Mordecai (2.7). Esther would eventually marry the king of Persia although she would keep her original Jewish nationality and heritage a secret from her husband, Xerxes (2.10). Before Esther could wear the crown she had to endure a twelve month process of purification (12 is the number which represents authority) and a six month period where she was given a ‘beauty makeover’ using the oil of myrrh (Myrrh was used in preparing people for burial. The word ‘myrrh’ can also be translated, ‘bitter’). During Esther’s lifetime a plot stirred in the Persian Empire against her Jewish people under an evil man named Haman (2.5). The young Jewish queen waited and prayed in silence for her people’s deliverance. During this time of emotional unrest and spiritual silence Esther is reminded by her cousin Mordecai, “…you have come into your position for such a time as this...”(4.14). Esther asked Mordecai to fast and pray for her because she, at the risk of her own life, had decided to reveal her own heritage and, the evil plot by Haman. Her own determination in the face of potential loss of life is found in the words, “I will go to the king, though it is against the law. If I perish, I perish” (4.16).

This ‘short story’ reminds us that the realities of life can seem unfair, God can appear to be uninvolved and, people around us (i.e., Haman) do hurtful things. There are other lessons too, like: God puts us in places, situations and relationships that God knows we will be able to handle; extended ‘purification processes’ like the one Esther endured are not fun, but they serve a purpose and, we all have people around us that can encourage us (i.e., Mordecai). My final word, even though God at times appears to be silent and uninvolved remember the words of Paul, “when I was younger I thought like a child. When I became older I put childish ways behind me. Though I see through a glass only dimly, one day I will see all things clearly…” (1 Cor. 13. 11).

HE SAID (based on Acts 1)

He said,
"Wait for promised power
it will come.
And when you think you can't go on-
hope will be in the morning sun".

He said,
"Some baptize with water and others
with shallow words;
You, my child, will be my example
leading others onward".

He said,
"Times and dates and reasons why
are not for you to know;
but trust in me and I will show
a more excellent way".

And after he said these things and
taken from our sight
a morning's quiet turned into restless night and
I remembered,

He said,
"I am with you always,
do not fear.
When you feel most alone remember,
I Am here

I Am here,

for you."

LEANING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION?

Some brief history: The leaning tower at Pisa was built in three stages over a period of about 177 years. MISTAKE ONE: the tower's lean is due to an unidentified and preexisting unstable soil foundation and therefore, the construction was flawed from the beginning. MISTAKE TWO: denial—contractors (there were many!!), for over a half century tried to find a variety of ways to compensate for the increasing tilt (can’t be done). MISTAKE THREE: after a doomed foundation and the attempt to compensate for a problem (which is stupidity)— declare the tower and its surrounding neighborhood a national cathedral and make others pay for the builder's mistakes (never admitting to wrong doing). In June 2010, Guinness World Records officially certified the tower as the "World's Furthest Leaning Man-made Tower" (dugh!!).

My application to the above three mistakes: (1) there is no right way of fully correcting a wrong thing. If you identify something wrong in your life, admit it and stop immediately. This is the ONLY way of correcting a mistake; (2) a person who does not stop doing what they know is wrong or unhealthy is in fact, the poster child for denial and, (3) people who think that their behavior or beliefs are ‘unique’ or who say, ‘people just don’t understand me’ will find some way to make other people “pay for” their poor choices or ongoing unhealthy existence. For anyone reading this who might have “tower people” around them, that is to say, people who are definitely leaning in the wrong direction (and, you find it difficult to NOT want to help them), stop your unhealthy attempts to help them! You see, there are two types of tower people. "Tower Person Number One" leans in the direction of unhealthy living. This person leads an unexamined and unhealthy life and is largely not aware of the shifting foundational issues that have resulted in frustration, disappointment and loss. Further, these types of "Tower People" will always find a way to compensate (not pay the price for health) or explain why their ‘lean or perspective’ should be believed. "Tower Person Number One" always has a way of finding "Tower Person Number Two". "Tower Person Number Two" also has a lean--they lean in the wrong direction of unhealthy helping. If you are a "Tower Person Number Two" and choose to stay involved with "Tower Person Number One" at some point in time you will pay for it.

VICTIM THINKING

[vik-tim] noun. A way of thinking found in people who suffer from a destructive or injurious action; a wound resulting from deception that is rooted in false emotions or ignorance or misplaced confidence.

There will come a time when an expectation you had will not be met or worse yet, you get taken advantage of by someone you thought you could trust. When life does not go your way it is easy to fall into what is called, ‘victim thinking’. You can tell if you have a victim mentality by listening to yourself carefully. DO YOU: Blame others for what is happening around you rather than take personal responsibility?; Is it hard for you to be grateful for what happiness you do have?; Relive the past by telling your disappointments to others (i.e., ‘That reminds when…)?; Think the world is against you and you have little to no power?; Have black and white or ‘My way-or the highway’ thinking?; Have a difficult time seeing another person’s perspective?; Live with hopelessness or, look for problems even when there are none? If any of these questions are all too familiar to you, you will fall into self pity (a cousin to victim thinking). John Gardner writes, “Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”

The choice to move out of a victim orientation (and this is a choice!) might be one of life’s biggest challenges. One way I have moved through victimized thinking is to realize that the past is the past—period. There is nothing I can do about a past negative situation but I can change my present response to the situation. Albert Einstein reportedly said, “The world we have created is a product of our thinking; we cannot change our world without changing our thinking.” When I have changed, re-framed or reinterpreted my past I no longer am plagued with ‘what if’ or, ‘if only’ toxic thinking. If I continue with negative thinking about my past I give away my creative power to change my present and my future. If I somehow think my future happiness is dependent on getting even or seeing some kind of payback then again, I have given away my power. You can move beyond victim thinking by asking yourself: Will this matter five years from now? Am I taking this too personally? Am I seeing this clearly? What is something constructive I can do right now? Am I more concerned with my future or living in my past? What excuse or reason am I holding onto to NOT move on with my life?

Final words, hard words: life is not all about you and, life can be unfair. Make the choice TODAY, move on—you might be very surprised at what is behind your door of happiness….

HARD OF HEARING

The bible says there will be a day(s) when a strange famine will come upon the earth. This is not a famine of food but rather, a famine where God’s people will feel or think that God no longer speaks (see Amos 8.11-12). The ‘prophetic fork’ is in God and God is ‘done’. These thoughts of victimization often come when life has ganged up on us and we wonder if there will ever be peace again. The Apostle Paul writing hundreds of years later warned of these days by saying, ” … God has given them a spirit (an attitude) of stupor, eyes that do not see and ears that do not hear…” (Romans 11:8).

In times like I just described, I have seen people that were moving so fast that they have actually moved past God (and what they thought were for very godly reasons). This frantic pace of life is not intentionally done but rather done without even knowing it. Some of God’s pilgrims have unknowingly: overestimated their spiritual maturity or discernment, underestimated the challenge that is before them and in so doing have failed to recognize that they have moved beyond ‘ear shot’ of God. When these three ideas come into play it is nearly certain that there has been: an ignoring of early warning signs that we are moving too fast, a slowly developing arrogance that believes, ‘I can get through this’ and ultimately, a disconnect from spiritual reality that results in the belief (lie!), 'God must not like me anymore'.

However, there is good news! The writer of Hebrews penned, "I give thanks to the Father, who has qualified YOU to share in the inheritance of the Saints in the Kingdom of Light." (Hebrews 6:11). God knowing we would have ‘hard of hearing days’ and ‘broken hearted nights’ God encourages us by saying, “…though the earth should change and the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though waters roar and foam over us and the mountains quake….THERE IS a river whose streams make glad the city of God… God is in the midst of her (your pain amidst the silence), she (and YOU) will not be moved (see Ps. 46).

In the name of our Wonderful Counselor, your Mighty God, the everlasting Father and the Prince of Peace (Is. 9.6) I say to you, TODAY, you are not hard of hearing! God has just spoken.

AGAIN

For the second time in less than three months I have lost a dear friend. In April my loss was a 38 year old former student, a husband and father. My second loss was someone who I did not know as well. Yet, this giggly, funny, 27 year old newly engaged woman (her husband-to-be was her only boyfriend) is gone from me. These out of the blue-unexplained-senseless losses have left me empty except for the questions and tears that anyone experiencing loss has. I wrote down the following three thoughts this afternoon in my own attempt to move through my pain. THREE IDEAS can be helpful for anyone who is experiencing loss or disappointment.

FIRST, resist trying to make sense of your pain especially when the wound is fresh and the tears flow readily. Logic is no friend when it comes to explaining loss. No autopsy. No lawsuit. Nothing, will fill the chasm that the knife of significant loss creates. SECOND, try to believe that the difficult situation could be God’s designed way to get you to see something that is bigger than what you were formerly living in. Your disappointment could be a catapulting mechanism that may turn your head and fix your eyes on something that is actually bigger and deeper than your loss. Remember, I am still in the freshness of my own loss as I write this! ThIRD, while in loss, place yourself in safe environments where you can be renewed—be careful who you choose to talk to (it is amazing the stupid things people will say to grieving people). I feel a ramble coming on so I will close….

THE BIKE RIDE

When I was young I saw God as an observer or judge of my life. It seemed to me that God spent His time keeping track of all the things I did, both good and bad, so as to know whether I would enter Heaven when I die. Sometime later, I saw God more like a friend on a bike ride; a tandem bike. I noticed that God was in the back helping me pedal as I steered my life. I don't know just when it happened but one day, He suggested we change places, and my life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way. My life could be rather boring, even predictable. I often chose the shortest distance between two points. But when God took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, to beaches, through rocky places and would even travel at breakneck speeds. There were days where it was all I could do to just hang on. I discovered that God even knows great bike secrets; God knows how to turn the sharp corners into a wonderful bend, pass slower bike riders and even point out things that I would have otherwise missed. It is amazing what God sees. Even though at times I thought for sure we were headed for a wreck or that we were lost, He would just say, "Pedal, pedal!"

I will tell you, there are still days when I get anxious and ask, "Where are you taking me?" He just laughs and never, and I mean never, answers that question. He just says, “Trust me.” He takes me to people who have gifts that I need, gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey; our journey, God's and mine. And when we were off again, He’d say, "Give the gifts away, you were given them to share." And so I did, I would give my gifts away to other people we would meet. I found out that in giving, I received. I learned that in giving, my cares and concerns melt away.

I think I have learned to leave my boring life behind and enter the adventure that God offers me and really, to anyone. And I'm learning to trust God better, and pedal even in the most unfamiliar places. I am beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my God as my guide. And when I'm sure I can't go any further or when I get scared, God has an uncanny way of knowing. In those times God leans back, touches my hand, smiles and says, "Just pedal!"

TIME OUTS

What does 96 X 15 equal? And no, the answer is not 1,440!!.

The answer: everyday is divided up into 96, 15 minute time periods. If a person took JUST ONE 15 minute ‘time out’ during the day (time outs are wasted on the young) to do whatever--to be quiet, reflect, journal, pray, paint, garden, create, walk, or even have a good old fashioned belly laugh there might be far less stress in a person’s day. So, why don’t people take time for themselves? I think most people do not RUN TO the next calendared event of the day as much as people are RUNNING FROM something. If a person was to slow down long enough or, in the words of Mark Twain, “Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like you’ve never been hurt” a person might make some incredible discoveries, about themselves. Brennan Manning said if a person wants more out of their relationship with God and others they must allow themselves to be loved as they are and not as they should be. Manning went on to say that self hatred is the biggest obstacle that keeps a person from experiencing real joy in life.

What is my connection between ‘time outs’ and self hatred? A person filled with self hatred will AVOID a 15 minute time out because they do not want to be reminded in their time of quiet how shallow their busy life has become. If “busy” is understood as “Being Under Satan’s Yoke”, quiet reflection can be understood as the way to get out from under this same yoke. The Latin word, ‘vocare’ (where we get the word, vocation) is best translated, ‘the voice calling from within’. If a person wants more in life than what they are currently experiencing, take a time out. And in the quietness, you will hear, a Voice calling…..

STOP LYING

Lying is a huge problem today. Research shows that men are twice as likely to lie as women. Men lie to preserve their reputation whereas women lie to avoid conflict. Not to make light of a very serious issue, but below you will find ten lies commonly made by both men and women.

Lies Men Tell (not in any particular order)
1. I never said that. 2. I don’t know. 3. We will talk about that later.
4. I forgot. 5. I was only kidding. 6. I’m on my way home. 7. I can quit anytime. 8. I can’t change, I have always been like this. 9. I’m sorry (because I got caught). 10. Your career is as important as mine.

Lies Women Tell (not in any particular order)
1. You’re right. 2. Five minutes. 3. Don’t worry about it. 4. I didn’t marry you for your money. 5. I’m not ready to get into a committed relationship. 6. I’m not mad at you. 7. I got it on sale. 8. Fine.
9. I wouldn’t change a thing about you. 10. I’m so over that.

One bible passage that impacted me about lying is found in Proverbs. God identifies lying as one of seven things that God, “hates” (Prov. 6. 16f.). The following is a partial list of what I think are more deceptive types of lying, as compared to ‘big fat lies’. When a person states a partial truth--they’ve lied. When we are silent in face of a wrong doing--we lie. When we make false promises that we know we will never keep-we lie. When we flatter someone rather than telling them the truth-we lie.
If God hates lying, and God does---stop it, NOW.